Defying Gravity (and logic)

31 Jul

We’re back home after our awesome vacation to Las Vegas and San Diego.  I have several posts in the works, but this morning I wanted to focus on the process of air travel.  You see, flying TO Las Vegas last Saturday was a piece of cake – we had emergency exit rows, the plane wasn’t crowded, our luggage arrived without pause, and we were winning money within an hour of landing.

Our trip home was not quite so delightful.  We flew home from San Diego via Salt Lake City and in our two flights (about 2 hours a piece), we experienced no trouble with airline employees, delays, or any other problems caused by the airport.  Truthfully all irritation we experienced in our 5 hours of air travel was caused by fellow travelers!  With that in mind, I think that if I perhaps share my ideas for improving air travel then you will read them, share them, and while it probably will never make a difference, at least we can all bitch together!

Shit I Knit’s Rules for Air Travel

1. No obnoxious bitching in line. I’ve noticed this trend lately and it irritates me before I’ve even gone through security!  Basically you’re standing in some insanely long line  and some jerk behind you decides that if he expresses his complaints by loudly swearing to himself about the various incompetencies of the airline/airline employees/TSA/etc.  The problem is that the only person who can hear this is me.  And I really don’t care, even though your goal is to have me turn around and join in on your bitching.  But I won’t because it’s dumb.  I’m in no hurry to stand in another line, to sit at an uncomfortable chair at a gate, and read overpriced magazines.

2. Do NOT, under any circumstances, recline your seat. The only place this could ever be acceptable is if you were flying between midnight and five a.m. and your flight was long and EVERYONE on the plane was doing it.  The thing is, while it may make you 10% more comfortable, it’s guaranteed to make the person behind you 90% less comfortable.  Yesterday Ross and I had a fellow traveler in our laps on both flights – and we flew at 10 in the morning and 1 in the afternoon.  I try really hard to be mature in life and handle all situations with grace and kindness, but if someone reclines their seat on a flight?  Oh, it’s ON!  I’m not above irritating someone into flipping their seat back up, in fact, I’ll share with you a step-by-step process for getting a jerk to unrecline ASAP:

Step 1: Arctic blast.  As soon as the jerk reclines?  Turn your little air blaster on full blast and aim it directly at the top of their head.  Give this a minute or two, and if they are still reclined, move on to step 2.

Step 2: Percussion.  I’m 25 and I have no problem kicking someone’s seat on an airplane.  If you have a kid, let them loose on the kicking, but if you’re over age 10, you have to do this on your own.  I’ve found that if you can get the jerk in row 10 to lean forward for just a second, wedge your knees into the seat.  This way when they lean back, they will be up about 3 inches further.  Let them get comfortable and when they are nodding off for their mid-morning nap, release!  Otherwise, any excuse you can find to jolt the seat will do!

Step 3: Obnoxiousness.  Clearly this person’s will to sit at a 110 degree pitch is very strong so you really need to pull out the big guns.  Begin by loudly stating to your seat mate how rude it is when people recline their seat.  Then select an obnoxious reading material and read it with your seat mate as loud as you possibly can.  Yesterday Ross and I read Us Magazine at Earth-shaking volume and honestly the article on “Who Has The Better Butt?” (Ross excitedly exclaimed: KIM KARDASHIAN!) pushed grandma tuberculosis back in her place ASAP!  Once my mom and I read an entire issue of Cosmopolitan together to thwart a recliner and it totally worked.

Step 4:  While I can hardly believe that anyone would choose slight reclining over torture, there is occasionally a traveler who can withstand anything I can dream up.  If that’s the case, you have to go with fear.  When deplaning, get right behind them and loudly comment about the “total jerk” who was in front of you.  If they turn around, give them a serious evil eye.  It won’t do anything, but I sleep better at night knowing that at least they realized what was wrong.

3. Deplane in order. You’ve seen it happen: the second the plane stops, everyone, even tuberculosis grandma (who I didn’t fully explain, there was a geriatric seat recliner in front of me on our last leg who had a dry, hacking, tuberculosis cough the. entire. time. – gross!) suddenly snaps into action, jockeying for position in line to get out.  Wrong.  Stay in your seat until the people two rows ahead of you are getting up, then collect your belongings, don’t whack anyone on the head with your “carry on” bags that take up the entire overhead compartment, and then go.  Someone in the row behind you tries to cut?  As my dad says, don’t be shy to throw a knee, or a hip in to put them in their place.  But seriously, what’s the rush?  You’re going to wait for HOURS at baggage claim anyway.

4. Don’t box me out of baggage claim. If there was one egregious error in air travel, it’s the way 90% of people collect their baggage.  They get their whole family up there and stand in a row one inch from the carousel so nobody else can even see what’s there.  Here’s a tip: why doesn’t everyone stand about 2-3 feet away and simply step forward when one of their bags comes by?  Sadly, I have an answer.  If that was the protocol how could the crazy lady standing directly in front of us, spending one minute scratching her rear and the next fondling every single bag that comes by, possibly read the name on every single black bag before deciding it wasn’t hers? (Ross decided that if you are, in fact, blind and decide to carry a black suitcase, would it kill you to put some sort marker on it?)  Luckily for us, “luggage” for us means a traffic-cone-orange duffel bag leftover from Ross’ tennis days (if the color weren’t enough, the large “WILSON” emblazoned on the side guarantees that nobody will accidentally take your bag).  In short, if everyone stepped back and waited, the whole process would go much smoother.

This concludes my rules for flight. I’ll be back with pictures of food ASAP!

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